A Primer on Spicing Up Your Sex Life

I am surprised by how many couples I talk to who are frustrated with their sex life. I hear how its too rote, or not exciting, or that it never ever changes, or they have sex less and less frequently, and so on all the time. When couples ask me to give them some guidance as to how to change the status quo, I offer a few ideas for them to explore. Remember, I don’t do “tips and tricks” coaching. I only offer you tools for you to explore and discover for yourself what the best solution would be for you, because learning by discovery is the best way to learn.

OK, so here are a few ideas for you to consider.

Have you ever shared fantasies with each other? We have a fantastic sex life, have hot sex daily and its always fun. Sharing fantasies even spices up our fantastic sex life. I shared a fantasy with Petra a few weeks ago and yesterday she delivered. After we were spent, I told her, “I have had that fantasy in one way or another for over 40 years!” It was indeed epic. So, do that. Make a point to each share a fantasy or two with each other, then talk about them. Because sex is a consensual activity, come to agreement about which of those fantasies to try. Then, once you try them out, again, have a “debriefing conversation” with each other. You might find that your fantasies become regular parts of your sexual play.

Here is another idea, lay naked side by side and eye gaze. That’s it. William Shakespeare once said “The Eyes are the window to your soul”. There is recent evidence that direct eye-to-eye contact during sex releases oxytocin (the cuddle hormone) and phenylethylamine, also called, “The love chemical” which is a neurotransmitter involved in feelings of interpersonal attraction. A French study illustrates that direct eye-to-eye gazing during sex increases blood flow in the amygdala. The amygdala is associated with attachment of emotional significance to sexual cues. So, the evidence of the experience we are having is already well developed. I bet that regular eye gazing spices up your sex life a lot.

The last idea I am going to share to spice up your sex life is for you start having sex every day. About 20 years ago I read an article by a female reporter who took on sex every day as a challenge and she said, “I started taking better care of myself. Dressing more provocatively, being more seductive,” and so on. Nothing up’s your game like getting practice. While I could not find the article to reference, Xaviera Hollander, author of “The Happy Hooker: My Own Story,” has discussed aspects of her personal life that might be of interest. In her memoir, she mentions having sex up to three times a day with her partner, John Drummond. Like I said, practice makes perfect!

My sexual way of being is to pull pleasure out of my wife non-stop during sex. After 6 years of daily sex, I know EXACTLY how to get her going. Honestly, necessity is the mother of invention. If you are really having sex very day, you will find ways to make it way more exciting than it is today.

Enjoy!