When Every Day Feels Like Combat

Context is everything.

Do you find yourself constantly arguing and wondering why everything turns into a blow out fight? Do you feel like talking to each other is going to be an act of war? Do you dread asking for help? Do you find yourself going it alone when there should otherwise be agreement? The challenge of course, is finding a way to begin a conversation without starting another round of bickering and fighting.

The dictionary definition of context is, “the circumstances that form the setting for an event, statement, or idea, and in terms of which it can be fully understood and assessed.”

Consider, the context you have for your relationship is what frames the relationship. Accept that at best, given the relationship described above, the context you have for yourself and your life is very disempowering to you. The real question I have for you to answer is, If you could create a more powerful context, one that really empowers you, what context would you create?

I will give you an example. My wife and I created the context for our relationship that “there is nothing wrong.” With this context, any disagreement we have quickly shifts from blaming each other for this or that, to one of examining the “what’s so” about the thing and solving the puzzle we find there. What we do not do is attack each other.

One way to set about creating a new context, is to examine what your context is now, then, create a new context that is 100% the opposite. So if you believed that your relationship was a combat zone, perhaps create a context where instead of a combat zone, its a love nest. Think of all the ways that you would prefer things to be and create a context around that.

Changing your context on its own does nothing to change the actual experience you are having. In order to bring your context into reality, ask yourself this question: “If the context I am creating for myself and my life is that my relationship is romantic and loving, what actions would I take?

Then, obviously, set dates and take action. See what that does to your relationship.

Another equally powerful way to approach this, is to ask yourself what the impact is on you having been treated so poorly by your partner. By impact I mean, things like, identifying the you were feeling, be it afraid, or scared, or worried, or angry. Name at least 3 impacts that you were or are left with out of the way you and your partner are relating.

The next step is to create the possibility of changing your way of being. So let’s use the example that you were left feeling angry. What you do is create a possibility of feeling the opposite of angry, so lets say, happy. You say, “The possibility I am creating for myself and my life is the possibility of being happy.”

That is step one, and just like the example with changing your context, is to get into action. Ask yourself, “If I were happy, what actions would I take?” You have to do this for all of the possibilities you create. Then, and this is the important part, make a list of the actions and set deadlines to take those actions in short order.

Life occurs in action. If you change your context to a more empowering context, or you create a list of new possibilities, nothing really happens if you do not get into action.

You will not that I have not made an effort to give you tips or tricks to lower the temperature or change the conversation with your partner. Instead, I have given you tools to change your own experience. I would wager that if you do that, then that will in turn lead to a changed conversation with your partner as well.