Synchronic and Diachronic living

I often talk to couples who tell me that are married, but it turns out that they do very little together, see each other less than they see their friends, and generally are strangers living in the same house. Then they act surprised that they have drifted apart. There are so many ways this does not work, that rather than try to find everything wrong with that picture, lets instead take a look at what makes a relationship actually work.

First of all, consider that outside of work, the total number of hours that a couple spends together between work and sleep, is probably fewer than 6 hours per day. In my former life, I would leave for work at 6:00 am, not get home till 6:00 or later after the commute and my coaching responsibility. (I coached youth sports non-stop for years.) My wife at the time would turn in at around 9:00 pm, and I would stay up till about 11:00 with post coaching duties and TV watching. The total time we spent together in reality, was 2 hours during and after dinner. Naturally, we argued quite a bit during those 2 hours each day since we were both very frustrated at the status quo. My point is that in a 24 hour day, the time we actually get to devote to our relationship is quite small. 2 hours a day to work out the logistics of our kids, deal with any issues they brought home from school, respond to homework supervision, deal with finances and of course also nurture our relationship. It was unsustainable. Compare that to my relationship with Petra today. We spend the first minutes of her return from work making love. That is first. Then, we enjoy a cocktail together, holding hands and talking about the day. We do this till dinner time. Since I have already mostly made dinner, we do the final touches in order to serve dinner. After dinner, we enjoy each other cuddling on the couch till bed time. In bed, we do our ritual gratitude practice before we snuggle up and go to sleep. We spend the 6 or so hours we get together each day being intensely together.

On the weekend, we spend every minute together nurturing our relationship. We laugh together, explore together, and play together. We make love for hours, and keep each other on our toes sexually. We do long-term project and vacation planning as well as short-term meal planning. Because we make love every day and do the follow-up debriefing over a cocktail, the conversation about our sexploration is ongoing.

So, that is my first bit of advice to a couple who are more like roommates than spouses. Make sure you husband your time together and use it wisely. In other words, be present with each other. Second, make love often and spend time talking afterwards while the love hormones are surging. Third, listen to each other. Make sure you both feel heard. Finally, vision share, and plan together.

Here is what I wrote about synchronic and diachronic living in my book: “In synchronic living, the focus is on being present and mindful, engaging fully with the current moment and valuing each experience as a complete entity. This approach emphasizes flow, responding naturally to what each moment brings, and being fully immersed in the here and now. In relationships, synchronic living might mean deeply listening, savoring shared experiences, and seeing each day as a fresh beginning, free from past or future concerns.

On the other hand, diachronic living focuses on progression, continuity, and the narrative of life. Here, each event connects to those before and after it, creating a cohesive story over time. Diachronic living values planning, building memories, and working toward shared goals, framing life and relationships as part of an evolving journey.

Together, these perspectives provide a balance: synchronic living brings depth to each moment, while diachronic living offers a sense of growth and continuity. Blending the two allows for a multi-dimensional approach to life, one that appreciates the beauty of the present while building a meaningful, lasting narrative.”

It’s imcbumant on your both to use the very limited time you have together each day to live in both a synchronic and diachronic way together.