Being On The Court

I really love sports. In particular, I am a HUGE Arsenal fan. For those who don’t know, Arsenal is an English soccer team (the correct term is “football team”) who plays in the English Premier League. I have been a fan since 1970 when they won the double, the League and the FA Cup. I am also a huge fan of rugby. Having grown up in South Africa, I LOVE international rugby. It’s such an honest game, and one that every body type can play. I am also a massive fan of gymnastics. Having been a top level gymnast in my youth, I have a deeper appreciation for the performance level we see in Olympic competition. Speaking of the Olympics, I have a confession to make, I will watch any sport in the Olympics because I love competition between top athletes. They could be riding, or swimming or diving or climbing the rock wall, if they are competing for a medal, I want to see it.

Why is this relevant in a discussion about relationship? Because being on the court is the very definition of commitment. If you consider my enjoyment watching top athletes, at best, you could say that I am attached. I love Arsenal, and I watch every game almost holding my breath, but my emotions rise and fall based on the ups and downs of the game, I am attached to the outcome, and I get pissed when they lose or fail to win. But the players on the field, they are committed. They leave everything on the pitch. They run till the final whistle.

Commitment vs Attachment is the message. In your relationship, which are you? Committed, or attached?

How I know I am committed to my relationship with Petra, is that if I sense that we are not on the same page about a thing, I don’t step over it. I deal with it. I may say something like, “I have a question…when you did X, what were you intending?” for example. The way I know that she is also committed, rather than attached, is that if she has a sense that we are not on the same page, she will not step over it either.

Being committed in a relationship means you leave everything on the court. You step over nothing. You put the relationship FIRST, even ahead of yourself. Or, should I say, especially ahead of yourself. There is a massive difference between being committed vs being attached. This became crystal clear to me at the end of my last marriage, when I realized that I was only pretending to be married. Funny story, when I told my ex-wife that I had achieved that point of clarity, she said, ‘I think I am pretending too!” We were both attached to the idea of being married, and we had rings on our fingers, children and a dog, but the truth is that when it came to the relationship, each of us was more attached to the idea than committed to the relationship.

You can look at anything you are involved in through this lense. Your work, for example, committed or attached? The social group you are involved with, committed or attached? Your sports team, committed or attached? Your exercise program, committed or attached?

If you do a “be honest” with yourself, you can quickly assess if you are committed or attached in the various parts of your life including your relationship.

What we know about being committed, is that hiccups do not derail you. Bumps in the road are overcome because you are committed. We know that those who are committed leave it all on the court. When it comes right down to it, when you are committed to something, like your relationship, all of your actions are given by that commitment. By contrast, when you are attached, you get disappointed, and often give up or move on to the next thing. Look around. The divorce rate is over 50%. That statistic is what it is because people get married and instead of being committed, they are attached.

Like athletes in competition, people who are committed have no short-term memory. Little setbacks do not derail you. Since we each have an unhappy 3-year old running the show, there will always be breakdowns in a relationship. When you are committed, you turn breakdowns into breakthroughs, while those people who are attached, go to drown their upset in a beverage.

When we are having a disagreement, the first question we ask each other is, “What are you committed to?” For 90% of the breakdowns we experience, that question resolves it immediately. When it doesn’t, then, because we are committed, we have a longer conversation with the intention of turning the breakdown into a breakthrough. That is the definition of being committed.