It’s the Little Things

As a poetic naturalist, it occurs to me that there is a single explanation for all things in the universe. As human beings, we have spent the last several centuries trying to understand things. From the 1600’s when Newton wrote about gravity, to the present time when the prevailing theory is String Theory, we have set out to understand as much about the universe as we can.

If we look inside our cells, deep inside there are molecules, and inside molecules lie atoms, and inside atoms you will find elections zooming around a nucleus, which is made up of neutrons and protons. Inside neutrons and protons are particles called quarks, and string theory says that inside quarks are are tiny string-like filaments that vibrate in various patterns. This implies that neutrinos, quarks and electrons are particles that are simply created my strings vibrating in different patterns.

Why do I write about this in the context of relationship? The reason I am writing about relationship at all, is that at the root of relationship management is conflict resolution. My argument is that the root of conflict often (always?) boils down to the little things. Sting theory gives us different particles by vibrating at different frequencies. What is the string and how is it vibrating for you in your conflict with your loved one?

Consider, things are not as they seem. The best description comes from quantum field theory, where fields are the real entities, and particles are just quantized excitations of those fields. This implies that the entire 3 dimensional world (universe) we live in is effectively made up of excited fields. The best way to visualize a field, is to think of a magnetic field illustrated by iron filings around a magnet. Somehow, that construction leads to particles which in turn lead to atoms etc till you are sitting in front of your lover arguing about who failed to put the milk away. Seems silly, no?

In most cases, the upset between two people begins with a little thing, or as Freud put it, “the narcissism of small differences”. That little thing goes unspoken, but it accumulates as emotional baggage. Over time, as the emotional baggage accumulates and builds up to a breaking point, instead of expressing oneself in a manner that leads to resolution, one has a tendency to produce word vomit, spewing out all that emotional baggage in one long loud diatribe. Naturally, the target of the attack turns off and stops listening as soon as they identify that the thing you are presenting as the source of your upset is something from days, weeks, months or even YEARS ago.

In the same way as a wave manifests as a particle and particles form together to produce atoms eventually, and atoms come together to make molecules and molecules form matter, so do your mini-breakdowns lead to massive disruptions in your relationship.

Now, this is hard for some people to hear, but it comes down to this. Very often, (mostly) the reason there is an issue in the first place, is that you likely made up a story about a thing that you did not share with your partner and then when they disappointed you, you got upset. A tiny vibrating piece of string created a particle that upset you. Think about it like that.

This is why we agree that between us, there is nothing wrong. Nothing wrong ever. There is only “What’s so.” This presents us with an opportunity to deal with the reality of the moment. Remember, we live in the here and now. We operate on the basis that this moment is the only moment. Otherwise, an unhappy 3-year-old is running the show!

Or as my best friend use to say, “Don’t sweat the small stuff!” – Then he would stare off into the distance and say, “Remember, it’s all small stuff!”

Deal with it, or let it go. That is the secret to a happy, healthy relationship!