Make Your Relationship Conscious!

I have been thinking a lot about consciousness laterly. Even before De Carte’s “I think, therefore I am,” humans have struggled with the reality that we have a sense of self that extends beyond our physical proteins sacks. People have postulated a sort of “soul” that is seperate from our physical beingness. I think there is even a book with the title, “The “I” Behind the Eye”. For a range of reasons, I don’t buy that construction. What we know about consciousness is that it seems to be a common occurring of matter in the universe. I say that because as far as we can tell, even single cell organisms have consciousness, as do viruses, bacteria, plants and animals. What is it that allows matter, stardust really, to achieve awareness suddenly after billions of years of darkness? Remember, we ourselves are made up of molecules that were formed billions of year before it came together as each of us in the womb. Here is a question for you to ponder, exactly when, after conception, did you achieve consciousness? Once moment it was darkness, the next awareness. It’s not clear that self-awareness or even awareness at all is inevitable in the occurring of matter at a particle physics level. Thomas Nagel in his famous widely cited 1974 essay “What it is Like to Be a Bat” describes consciousness this way… “an organism is conscious if there is something that it is like to be that organism.” It’s a good reference point for you to contemplate your own experience of consciousness. For example, is there something that it is like to be you in this moment? (I presume your answer is “Yes”.) Is there something that is is like to be the chair you are sitting on? (I presume your answer is “No”.)

It goes further. How does stardust materialize understanding out of the darkness? The mystery of consciousness is one of the great mysteries of the universe. How matter suddenly and unexpectedly develops an inner life is a real mystery? Philosopher David Chalmers termed this the “hard problem” which lies in understanding why certain configurations of matter cause that matter to light up with awareness.

Naturally, I think about consciousness at the root level, but in that my primary interest is in helping others to create the relationship of their dreams, for me, the extension of the inquiry about consciousness extends to relationship. Let me ask you this question. What is it like to be you as a loving partner? When I think about my role as the husband of my ex-wife, as compared to my role as the hard married husband of my present wife, I can attest that being her husband today is unlike anything I expereinced as the husband of my former spouse. I do not think I was conscious of being her husband when I was married to her.

What I am getting at is your consciousness as the partner of your love interest, or spouse is the issue. Are you a conscious husband or wife? Do you have awareness of your occurring as a husband or wife? Can you answer the question, “What is it like to be you (as husband or wife) in this moment?”

In the book ‘Hard Married’, I write about “Creating Your Partner.” That responsibility accrues to you regardless of your awareness or choice to be intentional about it. In fact, you are always creating your partner. The more conscious and intentional you are about who you are to them, and how you leave them after any interaction is formative in how they perceive you. I make a point to approach this particular issue with a clear intention. I make sure that I leave Petra with the clear impression that I love her without reservation. When we interreact, she feels loved. That is true first thing in the morning, and last thing at night. Every interaction with her leaves her feeling closer to me, and more in love with me than she was before the interaction.

That is what being conscious means in relationship. What is it like to be me in my relationship with Petra? I find myself experiencing deeply being loved by her as she loves me with her whole heart. That is what it’s like.

If you take the case that we are simply matter, and that it is true that “consciousness is a matter of matter” (a pithy summary of the issue often used in materialist or physicalist philosophies), then, you can accept that being intentionally conscious as your wife’s husband or your husband’s wife, is a worthwhile pursuit, because if you operate without consciousness as the spouse of your partner, you are STILL creating how you occur to them. Be intentional.