Finding Her Sexual Power

We live in a very misogynistic society. Women spend their lives absorbing messaging in film, on TV, in magazines, on the internet and beyond that objectifies and sexualizes aspects of their bodies. If you look at art through the ages to get a sense of what was thought of as beauty, you can track how women were thought to be sexy when they were more plump in the past compared to what passes as sexy today. Between airbrushed images and barely mature models, its the case that what perfume and fashion companies promote as sexy today, are women who are quite literally unreal. I have never met an adult woman who looks like the anorexic models that have airbrushed 12 inch waists you find in advertisements.

My point is that in the first place, men have a very unrealistic impression of what sexy actualy is, and they hold women to impossible standards. I think that the messaging we see has an unintended consequence when it comes to women and their self-image too. Obviously, I am generalizing and do not assume that all women have low self esteem when it comes to their physical bodies. My point is that the marketing and image casting conducted by the Madison Avenue types affects both men and women with those impossible standards of “beauty” or “sex appeal” leaving everyone unhappy to some degree.

I believe that the impact goes a lot further. I contend that many women have a very poor sense of themselves as sexual creatures as a result of this lifetime of image and message processing.

When I met Petra, I told her that it was my intention that she be completely sexualized. She heard what I said and she processed it through her filters, concluding that she was “already sexualized” and had experienced a lot of sexual acts. even though she was open to exploring sexuality with me, she thought I was barking up the wrong tree. The fact is though, that during the past several years, as we have explored our sexuality together, her sexual awakening has been remarkable to witness. Now I know I cannot generalize her experience to all women, but let me make the argument that a lot of what we did together came down to helping her to break free of the constraints that society placed on her sexual self-expression.

She first had to get used to the idea that she did not need to “be something” for me sexually. She did not have to “dress the part” or “Take on a persona”, all of which she was required to do in her previous marriage. It started early in our relationship when sitting on the couch one day she said, as she gestured toward herself, “This is it, this is who I am, this is what you get,” in many ways, convincing herself instead of me. I smiled at her and said, “Well, that’s perfect!” (At the time, I was particularly interested in pursuing an authentic relationship as a priority, so it fit perfectly). Little by little she has given in to the realization that I love her just as she is. That she does not have to try to be something she is not, or guess if I am into what she is up to.

Early on when we were exploring what it meant for her to express herself as a sexual dominant, one day she went to a lot of trouble with her hair and makeup. She also selected and wore a very sexy outfit. I loved the whole experience and appreciated the effort she went to. At the same time, she was mad at me that I was not more outwardly turned on by what she did. We talked about it after where I explained to her that I loved the effort and the impact it made, and how sexy it made the whole experience to have her choose to do that on her own. I also emphasized that had she done none of those things, I would have still appreciated her sexiness all the same. It took her a few days to realize that it’s her I love as my partner, not some adopted caricature of her as the woman I love.

There are just so many messages that women have to process before they allow themselves to be seen as sexual creatures. I remember the movie, Bound, (1996), a story featuring two women in a heist that end up having a lesbian affair. It was in a memorable interview with Gina Gershon I saw after the movie became a hit where she described what it was like to film the movie that I want to focus on. I specifically recall her talking about how as women, they had to make sure this angle and that angle of the shot was “just so”, to minimize evidence of cellulite or scars or blemishes etc. Even as an actress in a love scene, she was more concerned about her physical appearance even over the love relationship with her co-star. In some ways, she was making my point for me.

Petra has awakened as a sexual creature, an experience that has allowed her to fully experience her orgasms, to vocalize her pleasure, to demand attention in a certain way, to find her arousal wherever it occurs and to impose her will on our scenes so that she is fully satisfied. The major impact has been an outpouring of love as her sexual power has grown.

She made an interesting comment the other day that got me thinking about this topic. She said something like, “One of the things I am struggling with is just allowing myself to be (sexually) satisfied without giving you any direct attention.” She said this on a day where our focus was entirely on her, something we make an effort to do each week, especially on her long days. Hidden in that phrase is the burden women feel to satisfy their partners or be judged for not doing so. It’s just one more message women get told again and again in our most mysogenistic society that minimizes them as sexual creatures.

I can attest that as Petra has allowed herself to explore her sexuality on her terms, being that I am her sexual partner, the benefit accrues to me too. I have never had a more fulfilling ongoing sexual experience than the one I am enjoying with my sexy wife now. As each iteration of her sexuality has emerged, her own arousal has grown and she has found new outlets for her sexual self-expression. I cannot recommend it highly enough. My advice to both men and women is to do what you can to uplift her as a sexual creature for her benefit and for yours.