How I Found Happiness

I often find myself thinking about how happy I am, and how happy we are in our life together. We are coming up on 3 years married, or what we like to say, “Our third marriage.” We get remarried every Summer Solstice and re-engaged every Winter Solstice . It keeps us fresh because we are either creating being engaged and planning a wedding, or we are enjoying exploring what being married means as we lead up to our next engagement.

In any event, I was giving some thought to the question, “How is it that I am so happy?” and a few things occurred to me. Have you heard the expression, “Happy wife, happy life?” There is so much wisdom in that simple phrase. I will try to explain how I was able to create my happy wife.

Lets take a step way back. In physics, one can describe things at a basic level, such as describing the air in the room in terms of molecules by stating their position and momentum one by one for the billion or so molecules in a room, or one can describe the air in the room as a liquid. In our domain of applicability, It’s just not useful to describe air molecule by molecule, Instead, describing air as a liquid, very much applies in our domain of applicability. It’s just not useful to describe air molecule by molecule, especially because by speaking of air as a liquid encompasses all the data needed to describe air in terms of their molecular status as well. Therefore, one can refer to the description air as a liquid rather than be forced to label the location, velocity and momentum of each molecule one at a time. Doing so can be described as an emergent description.

My wife and I like to speak about us as “WE,” not only in referring to us in the past or future tense, but as an emergent phenomenon of each of us separately coming together to create a new entity, “WE”. When we are in the same space, it is as if there is an energetic shift that makes each of us feel “more than”. In effect we expand energetically. We both feel it, hence we describe the beingness as “WE”, or “WEness.”

WE is an emergent phenomenon of each of us, and like calling air a liquid encompases all of the physics of air as molecules, so WE encoumpases both Petra and I as individuals.

When Petra and I got together in the beginning, one of the questions she asked me was, “What are your responsibilities as my partner?” I thought for a minute before i answered. She was someone i was considering an intimate relationship with. I asked myself what I was willing to commit to in that regard. My answer surprised her. What I said was, “I am responsible for your wellbeing!” As I recall, that phrase really stopped her. Till that moment, she had never had someone else in her life put her wellbeing forward as a concern for them. Naturally, that endeared her to me. Obviously, during the following months and years, she had an opportunity to measure if I was indeed good to my word, and actually putting her welfare first.

As couples do, we had a few fallings out. We like to call them “Breakdowns”. Having made an internal commitment to do things differently going forward, I proposed that rather than argue, we turn the breakdown into a breakthrough. This was another instance of her being surprised about my way of being. In her past, she was used to breakdowns lasting a long time and then eventually having to capitulate to get past it. What we created was a process to deal with the breakdown in a calm and adult fashion so that we were both satisfied with the outcome.

Another time, we were talking about how tired she always was, and I pointed out that she stayed up late and rose early. She resisted changing her bedtime, so, we read the book “Why We Sleep” together and both of us agreed to go to bed earlier so that she could get a full night’s rest. It took a few months of adjusting to the guidance of the book, even so, we did and we are both happier and healthier as a result.

I share these anecdotes to offer that by being consistent in my concern for her wellbeing and by enrolling her in her wellbeing, little by little she has made changes in her outlook and is now, for the first time ever, I would say, putting herself first. As I have been a stand for her wellbeing over time, she gradually took on self-acceptance and with that, she has found inner peace. That inner peace allows her to be happy, and as I noted earlier, Happy Wife, Happy Life.

In my first marriage, there was a steady stream of angst that never stopped and never seemed to let up. The stress was off the charts. That is gone. In Petra’s life, she always felt like she was walking on eggshells. She did all she could to avoid her husband, who she felt completely estranged from. Now, she cannot wait to get home to be with me.

I started out by suggesting that our WEness is an emergent phenomenon, and with this writing I have tried to share what it took for me to create the environment where my partner could develop the trust she needed to allow herself to BE with me without anything in the way. Like i said, my commitment is to her wellbeing. In service of her wellbeing, I find myself happier than ever. We are in love. This is an ongoing love affair. WE are Antony and Cleopatra. WE are Napoleon and Josephine. WE are Shah Jahan & Mumtaz Mahal.