How I Got Here

I spent the first part of my life in a relationship with a woman who came to despise me early in our marriage, but, because we had kids, two by then, and because neither one of us was willing to walk away from parenting, we stayed together. 2 more kids followed and now with 4 kids, it was impossible to walk away while they were young. At a time when it seemed like we would be able to come to an amicable divorce, circumstances conspired against us. The economy crashed, then my wife got cancer, so reluctantly, we soldiered on.

Now for most of my first marriage, I was depressed. My ex wife and me did not have sex at all after a point. We basically ate together. I used to sit downstairs and watch TV while she surfed the net up in the bedroom. It was a lonely and depressingly sad existence. Drinking a bottle of wine each night was how I coped. I played soccer and raced sailboats and coached soccer to keep busy, but when you don’t sleep and you drink a bottle of wine, you get fat.

In 2009 I began to make an effort to get in shape and I walked, ran,cycled and rowed till I had dropped about 60 pounds. Funny thing is that I would post my activity on FB and my wife would ridicule me by saying such things as. “You didn’t do that!”

When the time came for us to separate, I was thrilled. By the time we agreed to go our separate ways, I wanted to wipe the slate clean and start over.

I spend 3 years doing adult education with Landmark, and took the opportunity to get my house in order. I hired a relationship coach and set about finding a partner. It took no time at all to find my true love.

We courted for 6 months before moving in together, and the essence of our courting was that we agreed to throw out everything we thought we knew about relationship, and start again from scratch. Or, as we put it, “from nothing.”

We created our relationship as a possibility. We made some interesting agreements at the outset. FIrst, that “we are going to hold hands and jump feet first into the rabbit hole and explore what it means to be sexual creatures.” Second, we agreed that “there is nothing wrong.” We also agreed that we would do all we could to make our relationship extraordinary, and one way we would do this is by not arguing with each other. We also established a way to turn breakdowns into breakthroughs and with that, we launched into what we call, “A created relationship!”

It has been 7 years since we first encountered each other. So, how has it worked out? Well, for one thing, we are Hard Married. We are happier and healthier than ever before. We set out to make every day a party and we have done just that. We have enjoyed cocktails more than ever, food more than ever, sex more than ever and each others company more than we thought possible.

So that is the point sn;t it? There is life after divorce for sure, but, knowing what I know, I also believe that you can have an extraordinary relationship right now, in your existing relationship. How? Apply the lessons from Hard Married, They are not hard to apply, but they do demand your intention and attention. You too can have the relationship of your dreams the way we do.

I cannot recommend the book highly enough, all I can say is this. Do not waste time. Life is too short to have angst. Get the book and get started right now!

Saffer