Commitment vs Attachment

Most relationship that fail have something in common. The participants showed up saying they were committed, but in fact, they were only attached. Attached to the idea of a relationship, or a marriage. Attached to the idea of being a husband or a wife. Attached to the idea of being a parent. How can I say this with such certainty? The answer is simple really. Couples that are committed are not derailed by breakdowns. When you are committed to an idea, you simply overcome stumbles and breakdowns.

One way to think about the difference is to consider a sporting event. The athletes on the field are committed. The fans in the stands are attached. Being committed means that when a breakdown happens, instead of running off to find comfort in the arms of another person, the couple confronts the breakdown. Looks at it without flinching. Then, they put their heads together and work out how to turn their breakdown into a breakthrough. If anything, they come out of the breakdown with their intentions aligned and their focus on making their relationship work better. Breakups are not part of the conversation when a couple is committed.

Are you really committed to your relationship? Are you pondering leaving? Do you have a “Yea, but…” about your spouse? Are you experiencing contempt for your partner?

when you step over breakdowns, you begin to develop space between you. By “space” I mean that your emotional closeness and your affinity for them is reduced to the point of being non-existent. If you take an honest look at your relationship with your relationship, and you find that there is space and there is a “Yea,m but…” and maybe even if you are feeling contempt, the natural outcome of that is that separating is on the cards. I say, if you are committed, then you have to open a line of communication and talk about all those breakdowns you stepped over. If you cannot or won’t do that, then you are not committed, you are attached.

Commitment means that together the two of you confront, and take on getting complete about the things that are separating you. You turn breakdowns into a breakthrough.