Why Authenticity Matters

Have you ever had the experience of feeling like your partner is not telling you the whole story? Or, have you ever had the experience of thinking, “I better not mention that”? Here is why either of these scenarios is a problem. In a nutshell, if you are not being straight with your partner, you are being inauthentic. Now, I get that most people do not think about that when they withhold information from their partner, they may even think, “It’s best to protect their feelings,” when you make that particular choice. Unfortunately, when you do so, you are being inauthentic. Why does this matter? Inauthenticity is sure fire way to destroy trust.

Inauthenticity originates with a story you are telling yourself. The inner dialogue you have running is always out to make yourself look good. It’s rooted in survival. Throughout human history, we had to be on alert to survive, so we have been genetically trained to judge and assess, well, everything all the time, non-stop. Given that we live in the modern world where survival is not really at stake, our listening and watching instead, is geared toward making us look good in social settings. So, when you are about to tell your wife, for instance, that you think the new employee at the office is very sexy, and you bite your tongue instead, saying, “Oh she is very nice.” You do that because you do not want your wife to know that you are looking at other women sexually. You withhold that information simply to look good. You are being inauthentic. Fast forward, and you go to a company party, and spend the evening chatting up this new employee, but when you get home, you tell your wife, “Oh, it was boring as usual.” So, now, your inauthenticity and withholding has turned into straight up lying. Unfortunately, you are about to be found out. Your wife meets a mutual friend for tennis, and she tells your wife how you were “hanging all over that new blonde employee.” Can you see how your wife concludes that you are not trustworthy?

When it comes to sex and intimacy, our authenticities are right there. Do you discuss your sexual fantasies with your partner? Do you share your deep dark secrets, no matter how embarrassing? If you answer “no” to either of those questions, then when it comes to sex, you are inauthentic. The problem with being inauthentic sexually is that there is automatically some distance between you and your lover. Here is the thing though, We have interviewed well over 1,000 sexually self-expressed adults and this is what we learned: Those who live into their full authentic self-expression as sexual creatures, are the happiest people we talk to. So contrast that with the way you are approaching sex. Hiding your real desires from your partner, creating space between you and pretending that everything is great. See the difference?

When you are authentic, you are not pretending everything is great. When you are inauthentic, you are living in an unreality. You are a fraud. We like to say that when you are inauthentic you are running a racket. You have some story about why you cannot be authentic in that moment or situation, that story is your racket. You get some supposed payoff for pretending rather than showing up authentically.

The thing of it is, when you live inauthentically, you are not being present to the moment. Instead, you are telling yourself a story about the moment, or something else you are ruminating over. We all suffer from that little voice in our heads. It’s always listening and always on. Never switches off. And, because we are meaning making machines, we listen to that little voice and we make meaning about everything. This is why its hard not to be inauthentic all the time. We respond to that little voice, the voice that was groomed by millions of years of evolution to ensure your survival. Now, of course, there is no real reason to fear your survival, instead, your little voice judges and assesses so you look good to others. At least the assumption is that you do, The reality is of course, that people around you would much prefer to know the real you. This is especially true of your intimate partner. He or she or they want to make you feel good, and they cannot do so successfully if you do not share what makes you feel good. Right?

No matter how dark your think your desires are, there is a very good chance that they have darker desires than you do and that they want to share with you too!

Choosing to be authentic rather than inauthentic was the most profound decision I ever made. The impact of choosing authenticity over ten years ago led to me finding my true love, my wife, my confidant, my lover, and it was my path to real happiness. Ultimately, it’s a choice only you can make for yourself.

It’s 100% worth it.