Straight Talk

I had an interesting interaction with a listener who sent me a message that read effectively, “I am married to a vanilla woman and I want to experience being dominated, I want to be pegged, put in panties and so on. But, I cannot tell my wife because she will blow her stack”. That was not verbatim, but that was the essence of the message. I have been thinking about that message since, and feel that it warrants a conversation. My guess is that there are many more couples who are on different pages sexually that need to listen in.

First of all, if you examine the relationship between a husband and a wife in a long term marriage, and they are not talking to each other about their sexuality, what you have is a very inauthentic relationship, especially as it involves sex. I can imagine this man pretending everything is fine if and when he has sex with his wife, where as inside, he is desperate for something else. That sort of inauthenticity leads to space and eventually to contempt. I can say that I experienced that precise relationship in my first marriage where my wife and I were on different pages sexually. It was no fun. She was a very vanilla woman and I was very curious about kink. We did not get along and now she is my ex-wife.

That leads to my second point: Tell your partner what you desire. If you don’t. what are the odds that you will be satisfied? Just as a point of refence, I was talking with Petra yesterday about our upcoming marriage ceremony, (we are getting remarried on our anniversary), and I told her what I was imagining would occur during our ceremony. She stopped me to thank me saying effectively, “This gives me great road map, I can work with that!” We like to say that our kink is communication because we talk about everything, especially as it relates to our sexuality. Now I can look forward to our marriage ceremony with some expectation that she will do what she does and that it will align with my desires.

The point is that if you do not talk to your partner about your desires, there is practically no way for your desires to be fulfilled, except by accident. That is no way to be in a relationship.

Finally, considering the message I got, I want to give the wife her due. Give her the opportunity to agree or decline on her own accord. You may be surprised. Nobody is more surprised than I am that my wife has taken to her sexual dominance like a duck to water! She loves what we are up to sexually. She is having the best, most orgsmic and most joyful sex of her life, which was just not predictable. Treat her like a sexual creature. Do the triangle drill.

What’s the triangle drill?

Put 3 pillows on the floor in the shape of a triangle. One person sits on the “Head pillow” the other two pillows are labeled “Ask” and “Tell” When you sit on the “Ask” pillow, you ask your partner to tell you everything that they want you to do to them. Then sit on the “Tell” pillow, and tell them everything you want to do to them. Then switch places and repeat. Keep notes and after have a conversation about what came up. I guarantee you will both have better sex.

When it comes to sex, talk straight with your partner. Be honest about your deepest and darkest desires. What’s the worst thing that can happen? they won’t do the things you want, but that is already happening. Right? The best thing that could happen is some version of your wife is just as into what you want as you are. If you don’t ask, you will never know!