Can You Really Change Your Mind?

By Saffer

One of the most common questions I get from coaching clients is this, “Can you really just change your mind?”

The simple answer is, “Yes you can.” But, this is not always accessible to people without doing some preliminary work. What we know about the nature of being human is that we create stories about the world we live in, and we do that quite young in life. That is why I like to say, “An unhappy three year-old is running the show!” Consider that you arrive in adulthood having believed the story you made up, and held as the truth your whole life. So, I come along and say, “Oh, just change  your mind.” Obviously, it’s much harder to do given those circumstances.

Let me share a story. I have a friend who as a young boy, was singing on top of his lungs in the car while his mom was trying to locate a building. She was distracted enough that she told her young son to “Just stop singing”. He made up a story on the spot. (“I am not supposed to sing out loud”.) For him, that one moment in the car meant that he no longer sang out loud in public for the rest of his life. He mostly sang in the shower, or., later in life, in his car. He just believed that he was not supposed to sing out loud so others could hear. Then one day, in his late 40’s, he heard an ad on the radio that the Symphony was having tryouts for their choir. He had just learned the distinction, “change your mind.” He made the courageous choice to try out for the symphony choir. He went to the tryout and gave his performance, and before he left the building, he was selected as the next lead soloist for the symphony, a position he still holds today. So, look at this for a moment. Here, a young boy made up a story about his self-expression, and he operated as if his story was the truth. He never sang in public till he was well into his 40’s, and when he did, expert musicians found his singing to be brilliant and inspired. He missed out on a lifetime of singing because an unhappy three year-old was running the show. In order to create a successful career as a professional symphony soloist, he simply had to change his mind.

‘Change your mind’ as a distinction, requires that one gives up their attachment to a particular (made up) story, and to simply make up a new story. One that is more empowering, and one that works for you.

We all have prior’s. It is the case that once we make up a story as a child, we spend the rest of our lives finding evidence to validate or prove our story. When I was first dating Petra, one of her common refrains to me when I pushed her to change her mind was, “But, I have evidence!” I would tell her that while that was true, in time, the evidence she held as the truth would no longer align with her life as lived, and what then? She would have to change her mind. For her, the strongest story she was attached to was, “I am simply no enough”. This story plagued her through her life and interfered with all of her relationships. If I am honest, I will say that she even held a little back from our dynamic while she hung onto her story. Once we got engaged to be married, she could no longer hold that story to be true. She was clearly enough, and she had no choice but to change her mind, and when she did, it unleashed a torrent of creative energy. The lesson there is that those stories we hold onto as if they are gold, actually constrain us.

Sometimes, in a relationship, we find ourselves at an impasse with each person firmly rooted to their perspective. How that gets resolved is for each person to consider that they might be attached to the story about what happened rather than the thing that actually happened. This is a very common reason for a breakdown to occur. One way to make it easier to change your mind, is to agree that the context is, “There is nothing wrong.” Then, with that context, take a look at what actually happened and deal with that. Let me give you an example so it’s not as hypothetical. One day, Petra noticed a receipt on my cell phone’s cash app. My phone was unlocked, and she opened the app to look at who I had sent $50 to. To her horror, it was a woman that she did not know. She instantly made up a story about how I was “sending sex workers money for sexual favors”. Naturally, this enraged her. She demanded to know who I was sending money to without her knowledge. I reminded her that a local sex worker had been brutally attacked and hospitalized, and a sex worker whom we had recently interviewed on the pod had put out a call for donations. We had discussed the brutal attack and her injuries at the time, and as far as I was aware, Petra agreed that we should contribute to her fund. When I reminded her of this, she remembered, was able to set her story to one side, and change her mind.

So, let’s examine the mechanics of how that happened. First, we had had a conversation about giving a donation to help this individual, A month or two later, she noticed a message on my phone from the person who had arranged the support thanking me for the money. She had forgotten about the request from a couple months before and did not connect the dots. Instead, she made up a story that fit with her larger story about not being enough. She made up a story about how I was definitely out soliciting sex from sex workers. The evidence fit, right? I was sending money to a sex worker, it was obviously because I was soliciting in her mind. She then aggressively confronted me and was embarrassed when we broke it down and looked at the whole occurring from start to finish. She quickly changed her mind and apologized for jumping to conclusions.

My point is that one way to make the process of changing one’s mind easier is to look at the actual event in question, we call that, “looking at what’s so.” The facts in question can be discussed without a lot of emotion, and the two people can find resolution more easily.

Putting aside that there is a conflict to resolve, and just looking at yourself, ask yourself what story you are telling yourself about yourself, that constrains you. Then, make a choice to change your mind!  You will be amazed at what happens after you do that.