Hard Married by Saffer & Petra
We called it a 'Creationship,' a relationship created from nothing, free from the patterns of the past. Our goal was simple: to build a relationship that would thrive in every way. We recently coined the term 'Hard Married' to describe the finished product, a marriage built intentionally and with loving attention to the details. This book is your buide to creating the same kind of mind-blowing relationship in your own life.
Chapter Summaries
Hard Married Part 1
Chapter 1. Creating Possibility
In this opening chapter, we dive into the power of creating your life as a possibility—the foundation upon which dreams, relationships, and fulfilling lives are built. At a crossroads, the author shows how he took a bold leap into imagining a new kind of partnership, built from the ground up with intention and clarity. Learn how to create your own powerful vision for your relationship, whether you’re single or partnered. Exercises guide you through reflection, crafting possibilities, and aligning your vision with your partner, laying the groundwork for a future full of connection and intimacy.
Chapter 2. Learning By Discovery
This section focuses on the idea that the most profound lessons come through experience, not theory. Just as you learn to ride a bike by getting on it, the deepest insights in relationships are discovered through living and loving. When you commit to your own growth and to standing for your partner’s greatness, you open the door to freedom, power, and full self-expression. Through exercises in identifying constraints, empowerment, freedom, and self-expression, you’ll uncover the hidden stories holding you back and transform your context. This section invites you to explore, reflect, and ultimately create a life filled with the possibilities of being fully alive, present, and in love.
Chapter 3. Knowing Makes No Difference
In this chapter, we delve into the concept that “knowing makes no difference.” So often in life, we are held back by uncertainty—wondering how things will turn out before we even begin. But committing to taking action without the need for assurance can lead to outcomes better than we can possibly imagine. Whether it’s a career decision, a personal project, or the steps taken to build an extraordinary relationship, the journey unfolds as you take it, not as you predict. With exercises to help identify where fear of the unknown has stalled your growth, you’ll be encouraged to embrace action and curiosity over hesitation. When it comes to your relationship, it’s time to explore, leap into the unknown, and see what beautiful discoveries lie ahead.
Chapter 4. The Power of Declaration
This chapter explores the transformative power of declaring your relationship into existence. Just as bold declarations have changed history, like the American Declaration of Independence, clearly stating your intentions can shape your relationship. For the author and Petra, declaring their dynamic as “sex-forward and kink-forward” set the foundation for every action they took together. A strong declaration acts as a guide, aligning daily actions with your commitment. Through exercises, you’ll learn how to craft your own declaration and intentionally create the relationship you desire.
Chapter 5. There is Nothing Wrong
This chapter discusses how to confront life’s challenges by recognizing that “there is nothing wrong.” When we face unexpected circumstances, our default is often to label them as problems or crises. The author shares how reframing his mindset transformed his approach to life and relationships, allowing him to create a future of love and happiness. By focusing on the simple facts—rather than our emotional stories or judgments—we can clear away unnecessary drama. This shift allows for a calm, constructive response to situations, free from survival-based thinking. With this new perspective, you’ll learn to navigate your relationship with more grace and less stress, recognizing that, most of the time, there really is nothing wrong.
Chapter 6. Being Responsible
This chapter encourages a raw and honest look at responsibility in relationships. It’s about going beyond simply “doing your part” and delving into areas where you may have fallen short—whether small promises left unkept or deeper breaches of trust. Through self-reflection and facing uncomfortable truths, you’ll learn how to take responsibility for your actions, understand their impact on your partner and yourself, and find ways to improve. By doing so, you can build a relationship with deeper integrity, trust, and connection.
Chapter 7. Being Present
This chapter explores the transformative power of being present in your relationship. When you live fully in the moment, it breathes new life into your connection, making each day feel fresh and exciting. Presence is a key to unlocking deeper intimacy, appreciation, and joy in your partnership. Through mindful practices like gratitude, acceptance, and simple exercises, you’ll learn how to quiet your inner narrator, fully engage with your partner, and approach every shared experience as if it’s the first. By being present, you can build a relationship that feels alive every single day—a core aspect of the HARD Married lifestyle.
Chapter 8. Enrollment and Registration
In this chapter, we delve into the concepts of enrollment and registration—two distinct but interconnected ideas that can transform how you engage in relationships. Enrollment is all about inspiring excitement, sharing your passions in a way that captivates your partner. It’s like telling an exhilarating story that draws people in. Registration, on the other hand, is when you move from excitement to commitment—taking action and starting the journey together.
Chapter 9. Commitment versus Attachment
In this chapter, we explore the difference between commitment and attachment. Commitment is about dedication to the process, while attachment focuses on specific outcomes and can falter when faced with obstacles. Learning how staying committed together, rather than attached to an outcome, helps you navigate challenges and strengthen your bond. Exercises guide you to define and act on your shared commitments.
Chapter 10. Being Unreasonable
This chapter invites you to rethink what it means to be “unreasonable.” Instead of viewing it negatively, redefine it as having “no reasons” that hinder love and connection. Often, we use reasons as justifications for not showing up fully in our relationships—excuses that keep us from true, uninhibited love. The exercises challenge you to identify those reasons, recognize where they’re self-created, and choose to love without holding back, experiencing love without barriers
Chapter 11. Responsibility
In this chapter, responsibility is redefined as the “ability to respond,” it is a skill that can transform your relationships. When faced with the need to make a choice, whether in the context of agreements, desires, or conflict, being responsible means aligning your actions with shared values and commitments. By engaging in open conversations, confronting issues head-on, and adjusting your behaviors to meet your partner’s needs, you can build deeper intimacy and trust.
Chapter 12. Intimacy and Trust
In this chapter, intimacy and trust are presented as inseparable elements that lay the foundation for deep connection and open exploration in relationships. The journey to building trust is illuminated through the author’s experience with Petra, showcasing how transparency, vulnerability, and shared experiences can foster a deeper bond. Trust, once cultivated, creates the space for intimacy to flourish, especially in dynamics that require openness and honesty, such as kink and power exchange.
Chapter 13. Integrity
This chapter explores the powerful concept of integrity and its significance in relationships. Often mistaken for morality, integrity is about being true to your word—doing what you say you will do and doing it fully and on time. When you break your word, it creates a break in integrity, but the good news is that integrity can always be restored. By addressing the impact of your actions and creating structures to prevent future breaks, you can build a solid foundation of trust and reliability in your relationship.
Chapter 14. Creating Relationship
This chapter is about the power of intentionality in shaping your relationship. Every interaction you have with your partner leaves a lasting impression, impacting the tone, feelings, and overall dynamic. Relationships thrive on three key elements—Affinity, Reality, and Communication. Affinity is the warmth you share, Reality is your shared worldview, and Communication is the depth of understanding and acknowledgment between you. By focusing on these areas, you can create a relationship that fosters love, trust, and genuine connection.
Chapter 15. Clean Communication
This chapter focuses on “clean communication,” the practice of expressing yourself clearly and listening deeply. Two main skills are emphasized: reflective listening, which means truly understanding the emotional content behind your partner’s words, and facilitating open conversations that allow exploration without judgment. Constructive conversation guidance, or “good control,” helps both partners express themselves and address concerns clearly. Practicing these skills deepens understanding, builds respect, and strengthens your relationship
Chapter 16. Listening
Listening is the other half of the communication equation—it’s about truly hearing and understanding your partner, not just their words but their emotions and intentions. It’s easy to get caught up in your own inner dialogue, forming judgments and opinions as someone speaks. True listening requires setting aside those thoughts, being fully present, and engaging with empathy. When you listen deeply, using reflective acknowledgment and seeking to truly understand, you create a space where your partner feels valued and heard, fostering a deeper connection and stronger bond.
Chapter 17. Acknowledgment
Acknowledgment is one of the most transformative ways to connect with your partner. It’s more than just giving a compliment—it’s about truly seeing and appreciating the essence of who they are and the positive impact they have on your life and the world around them. When done with sincerity, acknowledgment can evoke profound emotions and deepen intimacy. By focusing on both the surface qualities and the deeper essence of your partner, you create an at the moment feeling in them where they bask in the feeling of being fully seen and valued. This practice can leave both you and your partner touched, moved, and inspired, enhancing your connection and fostering a powerful sense of love and appreciation.
Chapter 18. When Space Occurs
In any relationship, “space” refers to the emotional distance that can build up when misunderstandings, assumptions, or unresolved issues go unaddressed. When left unchecked, even small occurrences of space can pile up, leading to a barrier between partners. By being proactive, openly communicating, and addressing issues as they arise, you can prevent space from forming and maintain a close, connected dynamic. Seeing your relationship as 100% your responsibility, and your partner doing the same, ensures that both of you actively work to keep your bond strong and free from unnecessary distance.
Chapter 19: Breakdowns Lead to Breakthroughs
Breakdowns are inevitable in any relationship, but they don’t have to end in disconnection. In fact, when handled effectively, they can transform into breakthroughs that strengthen your partnership. The key is to recognize that breakdowns often come from the stories we make up about situations—stories that you mistake for reality. This section provides tools and strategies to address those moments, turning potential points of conflict into opportunities for growth and connection. Discover how to apply the “Rules of Engagement” to confront issues respectfully, shift from story to commitment, and deepen your bond by creating shared resolutions. Learn how to address breakdowns quickly and effectively, keeping space from growing between you and your partner.
Chapter 20. Agreements
Agreements are the foundation of a healthy and thriving relationship, providing clarity, structure, and boundaries. Whether formal (written) or informal (spoken or unspoken), agreements set the tone for how partners interact, share responsibilities, and honor each other’s needs. Maintaining these agreements is essential for building trust and ensuring integrity. Inevitably, there will be times when agreements are broken, but restoring them quickly and openly is key to keeping the relationship aligned. By thoughtfully creating and honoring agreements, couples can build a shared understanding and a path toward deeper connection.
Chapter 21. Be – Do – Have
In relationships, the concept of “Be – Do – Have” shifts the focus from outcomes to who you are and what actions align with that beingness. Many people want to have a great relationship, but the sequence actually starts with being—embodying the qualities you want in a partner, and then doing—taking actions that reflect that beingness. When you commit to being loving, present, and supportive, your actions naturally align, creating an extraordinary partnership. The outcome often exceeds what you could have predicted, as the “having” naturally follows. Start with who you want to be, follow with what you will do, and let the results unfold.
Chapter 22. Sexploration
In relationships, embarking on a journey of sexual exploration, or “sexploration,” opens doors to deeper intimacy, connection, and pleasure. When Petra and I began our dynamic, we committed to following the twists and turns of discovery with an open, adventurous spirit. By agreeing that there was “nothing wrong,” we approached every new experience—whether in dominance, submission, or any kink exploration—with curiosity and without judgment. Through our weekly “FemDom Fridays” and a commitment to honest communication, we navigated our evolving roles and found deeper connection and self-expression. This has allowed us to create a sex-positive and loving space to explore desires and fantasies freely, making the journey not only transformative but also wickedly fun. Setting a “nothing wrong” context allows for vulnerability and mutual consent, paving the way for continued growth and understanding within your dynamic.
Chapter 23. Abundance
In a world where our internal drivers are often scarcity based—the feeling that there’s never enough time, money, or intimacy, for example, it can be easy to lose sight of the abundance already present in our lives. However, shifting to an abundance mindset can transform both your experience of life and also the quality of your relationship. By focusing on what you have rather than what you lack, you can cultivate joy, presence, and collaboration with your partner.
HARD Married is rooted in this abundance mindset. In this section, explore how adopting an abundance mindset can turn mundane moments into meaningful collaboration, transform scarcity into gratitude, and create a vibrant, joyful dynamic with your partner.
Part 2. Putting it All Together
I. Putting it All Together
II. Getting Engaged
III. Being Hard Married
IV. Sexualization Of Your Relationship
VI. Being a Stand
VII. The Magnetism of Love
VIII. The Chemistry of Love
IX. The Chemistry of Love
X. Conclusion
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