About Happiness | Hard Married
July 26, 2025
How I Got Here
August 1, 2025
Early on, when I was just getting to know Petra, we were having a conversation about her sexuality, and I asked her what she found arousing. She paused for a long time, eventually saying, “I honestly have no idea.” While this seemed a little baffling to me, she explained that for her whole adult life, she had been quite disconnected from her arousal because she held her then husband in contempt, and out of fear primarily, she simply “did what was expected” of her sexually, finding none of it arousing. “In fact,” she said, “I don’t think that I ever had an orgasm!”
When we began our dynamic, we agreed to “hold hands and jump into the rabbit hole” We made further agreements that “There was nowhere to get and no right way to be.” We also agreed to talk openly and honestly about what we were experiencing along the way. We became “Sexplorers!” I saw exploring her sexuality as an opportunity for me to also explore my own, and, to take on this exploration as a broader inquiry, to truly explore sexuality in reality for the first time as adults.
I took it as a challenge given that throughout my life, I had never in failed to give my lover orgasmic bliss. When this inquiry began, Petra was at a bit of a disadvantage in that throughout her life, she had only had one sexual partner, and he was not at all interested in her pleasure. By contrast, my oldest sister had told me as a young man, to, “Make sure to give my love orgasmic bliss before I take my own pleasure.” Being a young fella, I had no idea what she was on about, so she put it simply, “Make her cum before you do,” she said, adding, “One day, you will understand.” As 9 year old kid, I put that memory in the bank for later retrieval.
As we dug in deeper, it was further revealed that Petra, who was both a competitive athlete and a late bloomer as a kid, had completely missed out on exploring her sexuality as a teenager, instead, finding herself defaulting into marrying the man whom she had dated for a period of time. As she put it, “Nobody ever even flirted with me,” which I struggled to believe, given how beautiful and sexy she is. It was with this in mind, that in pursuit of exploring a deeper understanding of human seuality, we began our podcast. In over 1,000 episodes over 6 seasons, we invited sexually active adults to share their sexual journey with us so that she could see if she could hear something for herself in their sharing. You can check out our library here
During one particular podcast conversation the light went on! We were discussing polyamory with a women in Portugal as I recall, who defined herself as a demi-sapiosexual. As we listened to her talk about how she ended up being poly, she shared how her various lovers tapped into one or another of her desires. Some related to her demi nature and others related to her sapio nature, and others managed to tap into both. It was that fascinating conversation which inspired Petra into action, and she immediately began researching the terms Demisexual, sapiosexual and demi-sapiosexual, wanting to learn more.
A demisexual is someone who only experiences sexual attraction after forming a strong emotional connection with another person.
- It falls under the asexuality spectrum—meaning demisexual people may not experience sexual attraction in the same way or as often as most people.
- Emotional connection is essential; without it, they typically don’t feel sexual attraction at all.
- It’s about how attraction develops, not about someone’s values or choices.
A sapiosexual is someone who is sexually (or romantically) attracted to intelligence in others.
- It’s about finding intellectual ability—curiosity, depth of thought, problem-solving—deeply appealing.
- For sapiosexual people, stimulating conversation or mental connection can be the strongest source of attraction.
- It’s not a clinical or strictly defined orientation like heterosexual or homosexual, but more of a descriptor of what triggers attraction.
- Demisexuality is about needing a strong emotional bond before feeling sexual attraction.
- Sapiosexuality is about being attracted to intellectual qualities, often regardless of emotional closeness.
A demi-sapiosexual combines aspects of both terms:
- Like a demisexual, they typically only experience sexual attraction after forming a strong emotional connection.
- Like a sapiosexual, the primary trigger for that attraction is intelligence—they’re drawn to people they find intellectually stimulating.
So, a demi-sapiosexual person generally doesn’t feel sexual attraction unless:
- They have a meaningful emotional bond with someone, and
- They are intellectually attracted to that person.
It’s a nuanced way of describing how and when sexual attraction develops for them.
Here’s a simple way to see how these terms fit on the broader spectrum of sexuality:
1. Traditional Sexual Orientation
This describes who you’re attracted to (men, women, multiple genders, etc.).
- Examples: heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, pansexual.
2. Asexuality Spectrum
This describes how often or under what conditions you experience sexual attraction.
- Asexual – Little or no sexual attraction.
- Demisexual – Sexual attraction only after forming a strong emotional bond.
- Graysexual – Rare or situational sexual attraction.
3. Attraction Modifiers
These describe what traits specifically spark attraction (and can apply to anyone on the above spectrum):
- Sapiosexual – Attracted to intelligence.
- Demi-sapiosexual – Requires an emotional bond first, and is then attracted specifically to intelligence.
- Other modifiers can include things like attraction to humor, creativity, etc.
Where Demi-Sapiosexual Fits
- It’s on the asexual spectrum (like demisexuality).
- It layers in a specific preference (intellectual connection) as the primary trigger for attraction.
- In short: “I don’t experience sexual attraction unless I feel a close emotional bond, and when I do, it’s usually sparked by intellectual connection.”
Petra was excited. She finally began to understand her own sexuality in a new way. For most of her life, she did not appreciate how she fit in sexually, and frankly, found “bumping naughties” as she put it, “a sort of silly thing to make such a big deal about!” The impact of this realization was profound. It was inside of this new found explanation that her whole life unfolded newly for her, this realization allowed her to give up stories that she had about “being broken,” and for the first time in her life, she leaned into what she learned about herself.
If you examine how it is that we ended up together, when she first found my profile online, she experienced something unfamiliar. Attraction. She reached out to me and the next 6 months, we text messaged, we spoke on the phone, having long conversations, we met for lunches, and dinners, and gradually we developed a strong emotional bond. She also happened to be inspired by my intellectual curiosity, found herself experiencing real sexual arousal for the first time in her life. So profound was her attraction, that she moved heaven and earth to create a dynamic with me.
What she discovered over the next several years, is that for her to experience the deep arousal she feels for me, “all of her buttons need to be pushed”. She is indeed deeply aroused by me, and once we chose to marry, she allowed herself to relax into her sexuality for the first time in her life and fully explore those feelings. Now, she enjoys me as her very sexy and very attractive husband who is also has the capacity to make her laugh so hard she cries. Bonus, true to my sister’s excellent advice, I also give her incredible and regular intense sexual pleasure. In fact, she has discovered that she is a multi-orgasmic woman who loves enjoying sex with me.
As I write this, I am left with the realization that when your lover is fully sexualized, which is to say, that they exist in the relationship first as a sexual creature, the degree of passion and love that permeates each and every moment with them is unsurpassed. For us, our access point was kink, but the point was never kink. KInk gave us a language, and because kink is agreement based, it allowed us a framework to explore safely.
One of the sections of Hard Married relates to sexulaization, and this is the reason. Both Petra and I are more fulfilled as sexdual creatures than ever before. I believe that being sexually aligned is critically important to being Hard Married. I can tell you that living with Petra is like living with Venus.
Something else I want to share is that in almost 1,000 conversations with sexually active adults, we discovered quite by accident, that the happiest people are those who are living their true self-expression as sexual creatures. There is evidence that being happily married contributes to happiness overall, and nothing will make you more happily married that having an authentic sexual relationship with your spouse. When you both look forward to exploring sex with each other, you will find that your sense of wellbeing is through the roof!
