To Be With

My sweet wife and I have this practice. It’s rooted in the distinction, “To be with.” Because we are strategic, we got engaged on the winter solstice and then married on the summer solstice. Now, we get re-engaged each winter and remarried each summer.

The impact of that decision is that we get to be engaged for 6 months of the year, and newlyweds for 6 months of the year. We begin each new year with a wedding to plan, and once we are married, we really ham up the newlywed experience, making sure to take every moment of joy out of the experience.

A massive part of what makes us Hard Married, is that we are committed to being present. The key word is “being”. We make sure to create each day newly as a matter of course. We look forward to making each day a joyful experience of being alive. Consider this: As an example, each and every day, Petra writes a little love note and leaves it on my computer keyboard. She takes it seriously in that she realizes that her words will frame my day, so she is thoughtful and shares a message hat comes from her inner peace thereby creating my day for me. Its a small example of how we set about creating the day. “What about you?” you might ask, well, I set out the rowing machine so its available for her to use when she gets up (she starts her day an hour or so earlier than me.) When she is on the rowing machine, I make her breakfast so it is ready for her when she wants it. Again, these are small things, my point is that we are being present for each other and with each other.

When I first met Petra and welcomed her into my home, the first thing we did was to do a drill I called, “To be with.” What this involved was for her to kneel on the floor, and to maintain eye contact with me for about 10 minutes. Now, I don’t know if you have ever looked at another person for 10 uninterrupted minutes or not, but, what I can tell you about it is that the very act of making extended eye contact with someone you barely know is very confronting. She asked me about it after, and what I told her was that my intention was to see how we would be with each other even at this early stage of our dating because it was my intention to be with her in reality, and that it was as much of a test for her as it was for me. Obviously we passed with flying colors!

For the first several years we were together, we would go for a walk down to the lake every day (we lived a short walk to the lake edge,) and once there, we would take in the beautiful scenery of the Pacific Northwest, putting all thoughts to one side. We would be present to the abundance around us. On walks, we quite literally smell the roses. We live moment to moment and the only way to do that is by being present.

So, as things stand, now that we are 7 years into our relationship, we get to be with each other by creating our romance newly each day. It is with that in mind that I return to the idea of being newly engaged, and newly married each year. It’s super fun! Petra said to me the other day, “What makes it all so fun is that being with you is just being alive in a very primal way!” I smiled and responded saying, “We are acutely alive!”

If you think about a predator, like a Snow Leopard, when they walk the earth, they are on alert at all times. That is what I mean by being acutely alive. For us to do so together, means we have to be with each other in a very alive sort of way. It’s why we make sure that every single day is a party. From the moment we get up in the morning till we go to sleep at night, we are being present. We make passionate love, we make a fantastic cocktail, we make a gourmet dinner, we cuddle on the couch watching our favorite shows and we curl up together to go to sleep. The victory is that we use up each minute of each day completely!

Being present is a skill that can be acquired. To “be with” is a practical application of that skill. To be engaged is wicked fun, to be Hard Married is a joyful, loving, romantic and delicious experience. we strongly recommend it!