Where Does Morality Fit

When it comes to relationship, this is something that I think about, especially having just finished reading the Kama Sutra. (If you want to hear our discussions about the complete Kama Sutra, navigate to my page on Fetlife and enjoy the podcast episodes.) My view, is that the issue of morality shows up primarily in response to religious dogma permeating western society. Did you know, for example, that in India, more than 2,000 years ago, non-monogamy, courseans, and eunuchs were part of the cultural landscape and the whole culture had a sex-positive outlook.

When I think about my own life, and how morality played in my former marriage, I am clear, that being married to a preacher’s kid, who believed “sex was for procreation”, meant that we were doomed to get divorced. I knew that because I am clearly and proudly, a very sexual creature.

Something about sex has us retreat into our heads because we feel embarrassed about sharing what we want out of our partner and from our partner in the realm of sexuality. That is the source of the question, “How does morality enter your bedroom?” The most common feelings people have around their deepest and darkest desires is shame, fear, and embarrassment. Here is my question to that reality, “Why do you deny yourself sexual satisfaction out of a sense of shame?”

One of the reasons I wrote Hard Married, is because we have discovered the secret to deep intimacy. One part of that discovery is wrapped up in the word “sexplorer”. We are sexplorers. This means that we allow ourselves to explore our desires wherever they may lead. We jumped into the rabbit hole with both feet holding hands, and we have been on an amazing ride since 2018. We treat each day like a party, and we explore what there is to explore without judgement. The result has been amazing. We are closer, experiencing deeper intimacy than either of us thought possible, and we are more in love than ever. We do not allow morality to enter into the bedroom or the relationship at any level. The way we ensure this, is is to maintain clean communication at all time about what we each desire.

If I had told my ex-wife about my desires, I am sure she would have walked, which is why I never did. I was neutralized by my fear. The impact of allowing her morality to govern our bedroom activity mean that for 30 years, I was sexually frustrated. Don’t make the same mistake. Leave morality at the curb.

We are just starting to read Sex at Dawn, and the premise there is that across the animal kingdom, and throughout human history, sexuality was not monogamous. Now we can choose to be monogamous if we like, but if the urge is to be non-monogamous, you should know that the reality is that your desires are normal for humans to have. If you have these urges, take time to discuss your desires with your partner? If not, why not?

Do not let morality govern your relationship. Instead, allow ethics to be your relationship guide. Morality isa shifting target. Not long ago, it was immoral for gay men and lesbian women to marry. Now, its part of the fabric of life. Ethics does not shift. Ethics and integrity go together. Integrity is doing what you agreed to do, for example. The secret to happiness is communication. That is why we say, “Our kink is communication.” Talk to your partner, make agreements, explore your desires. I will end this with an observation I have made interviewing about 1,000 sexual creatures. It is this, those who are living their true, authentic selves as sexual creatures, are the happiest people we talk to. Period, and it’s not even close.