Restoring That Loving Feeling

When I meet with a couple who is struggling to sort through the up’s and down’s of their marriage, I always being with one simple question. I ask them to each state without hedging, what it is that they are each committed to. If they can come to an agreement about that one thing, then we can begin the process of creating an action plan to put their lives back together.

Why does this matter? Pretty simply, if you are both committed to the same thing, then we can work out the process to get you there. The challenge occurs when there is not alignment of commitment. It is also a problem if one person is committed, and the other is attached.

Commitment frames your actions, when you are committed, everything you do is in service of your commitment. When you are only attached, then as soon as you get derailed, there is a high likelihood that you will give up. A challenge does not interfere with one who is committed, because when one is committed, then the challenge must be overcome. Commitment also relates to a process, while attachment relates to an outcome. I like to say that if you take care of the process, the outcome takes care of itself. In a sports analogy, the players on the field are committed, the fans in the stands are attached.

The reason I begin with commitment is to frame the context. Context is everything. Inside of the context you have for your life, your actions begin to accumulate to produce the outcome you prefer. Life occurs in action. So, agreeing on what you are committed to gives you the space to put your commitment into action, and the actions you take daily lead to the outcome your actions intend.

Steven Covey, the author of the “7 Habits” books, wrote in “First Things First” about making sure that you are working on the right thing. He said, something like, “Imagine you spend your life climbing a tree only to get to the top to find its the wrong tree in the wrong forest.” The point is that if you want to work on your relationship, you want to make sure that the work you are doing is aligned with the work your partner is doing. It would make no sense for you both to be working on creating a different outcome. Right?

If you are able to think of your relationship as if you are members of a team, then together you work toward a similar n agreed goal. That is the only way to succeed.

For this reason, the very first exercise is to figure out together what you are committed to.