The Other Part of Communication

Most of the women I talk to who are unhappy in their marriage, tell me that one of their major complaints is that they they do not feel heard.

Communication is the glue that holds a relationship together. When things are working out fine, and life is chugging along, communication is easy. It’s when things are going south that the other part of communication is key. That other part is “Listening”.

Active listening is listening with an intention to engage. The key ingredient of active listening that most people overlook is the ability to suspend one’s frame of refence. This is harder to do than it seems, because we have an ongoing internal dialogue running commentary on whatever is being said by either party. We do this because we want the best light to shine on us. We are committed to looking good. So, when your partner says something that diminishes, demeans or nullifies you, the easiest thing to do is to resist that characterization because you are committed to looking good. “Suspending one’s frame of reference” means, putting aside everything that you believe at the moment while you actively listen to them. Even that is hard to do. It requires some forethought. It’s almost as if you have to have a conversation with yourself about listening to the person newly. In other words, what we tend to do is not really listen at all to the people we are talking to, instead, we tend to listen to our own opinion about what they are saying.

There is a way to use a cheat code while speaking to a person. This is a skill that goes hand in glove with “suspending one’s frame of reference”. What you do, is that you listen to a person with the view to “recreating” them, you are in effect, suspending your frame of reference.

Recreating someone in communication is actually one of the more powerful communication tools. Think of it like this, when a friend shares that their favorite dog has passed on, to recreate them you do not simply say, “Oh, your dog is dead,” which, while accurate, does not recreate them. Instead, you might say, “I am sorry to hear that, I imagine losing your favorite animal made you very sad.” You can see how “recreating ” a person gets at the emotion underlying the communication.

This goes along with another cheat code. This one is, “Be interested, not interesting.” I used to tell my kids when they were starting to date that this is how to get a girl to be interested in them. It’s basically the corollary of the theorem. These are all great tools to help you be a fantastic listener. Once you have the capacity to actively listen and recreate your partner in their speaking, you will have achieved expert level, and communication will be a breeze. You will super glue your relationship.