What is the One Thing?

By Saffer

Lets face it, people are inherently lazy. It’s also the case that maybe you are in a crisis and need something to turn things around. Gary Keller wrote a book, “That One Thing,” where he makes the argument that by focusing on just one important thing, you can cut through the clutter and be effective getting things done. So, that is the impetus behind the question. The implication is that you can do just one thing that will sort out your relationship. Well I am here to tell you that if you page through my book, you will find 20 chapters on things you need to do to have a loving relationship that really works, so is there just one thing worth talking about?

Well, there is one thing that seems to be foundational to a great relationship. We have found that if you do this one thing and you do it ongoingly, you will build a solid foundation to construct your relationship on top of. Our relationship evolved beautifully on top of this foundation which we implemented at the outset.

Am I being cryptic enough? Shall I tell you what I am talking about? Do you have any guesses?

OK, the ONE thing I am talking about is to simply be present.

That’s it.

Now to be fair, it’s much harder to simply be present, than it seems like it should be. There are mediations, and recordings and training tools that are designed to keep your attention on things, but the truth is that even with all those tips and tricks, none of them actually allow you to be present.

Consider that what keeps you from being present is that you have a little voice in your head judging and assessing every moment of every day. We call it the “always listening, always on” tape that’s running around the clock in your head. Even so, the most common training programs teaching the idea of being present seem to have one thing in common, they all use breathing as a way to orient you to being present. It goes like this.

Be with your breathing.

That’s the whole instruction. Why being with your breathing? Well you breath naturally and you do not have to try to breath or try not to breath. Since its a naturally occuring phenomena that we mostly do subconsciously, “being with your breathing” allows you to focus on what is happening in your body at the moment and as its occurring. In effect, “being with your breathing” has you present to that you are in fact breathing. It’s raising your consciousness and your attention to breathing in and breathing out, with the intention being that by doing so, you are in fact learning how to be present.

Once you are focusing on your breathing, focus on slowing down your breathing. Breathe in to the count of 10 and breathe out to the count of 10.

What is likely to happen is that you will begin with good intentions, but you will find that your attention moves on to other things. You will be wondering, “Does this work?”, “am I present yet?” and so on. Don’t worry, just note that your mind has wandered and bring your attention back to your breathing.

Try to incorporate “being present” into your day to day lives. Notice the flowers, or the rain or the clouds or the sunshine. When you eat, savor one bite at a time. Be with your food.

Then, and this is the big one, be with your partner. Be with them. When they are talking, listen to them. Empathize with them. Let them feel heard. You know how when you are complaining to your partner, how they get a vacant look in their eyes and it feels like you are talking to a robot? Guess what, they see it in you too. Be present with your partner.

We take it to another level. After 6 years of daily gratitude practice, we now find that we treat each and every day as a brand new day that we have never seen before. This lets us approach everything we do together, be it making food or making love, with new energy.

If you can approach life while being present with your partner, I am convinced that you have a good foundation to build a loving relationship on.